Pictured above is Vaginus Perisca, the distant relative of theendangered plant species Asscracklus Perisca.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Crick Crack on the Clock but the Party Don't Stop No
Ever have one of those days when every single thing you look at just reminds you of something else that's utterly disgusting? Maybe it's just me? Well in any case, today was one of those days. As I was walking out of class my lab partner caught up to me and was nibbling ferociously at her peach. In between bites she was blabbering on and on about some crap that we just learned about in class. That's when I couldn't help but notice... The peach she was so savagely gnawing at looked like an asscrack. Yes, it straight up looked like butt. She was unabashedly biting and sucking away at an asshole right in front of me. I proceeded to gaze at the peach for an uncomfortably long moment and she stopped chewing it apparently because of the (disgusted I'm assuming) look on my face. "Umm, what's up?" she quizzically asked. I word vomitiously replied, "That peach you're eating really looks like..." but my sentence trailed off as I realized I couldn't go through with the awkward statement with an acquaintance and hesitantly finished it off with "...like really good". Phew, close call.
Pictured above is Vaginus Perisca, the distant relative of the
endangered plant species Asscracklus Perisca.
Pictured above is Vaginus Perisca, the distant relative of theendangered plant species Asscracklus Perisca.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Fawkbook
Facebook has become an awkward jungle. I remember back in the day when nobody knew what the hell facebook was and everybody had around 300 friends. There were no creepy messages being sent or random pokes being jabbed. Most people talk about how those times were "the good times". Since then, facebook has evolved into the ultimate creeper's delight. Creepyfawk messages, friend requests, and pokes run rampant. Most people are ashamed of what facebook has now turned into. I, on the other hand, looked into my mirror this morning and asked a serious question.
Me: "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the creepiest of them all?"
Mirror: "You are, my dear."
Me: "Nice!"
So being the ultimate creeper on the face(book) of the planet, I rejoice when others often detest. Facebook, or simply put fawkbook, is the place to find ample amounts of awkward conversations and pictures. Knowing this, I had 2 choices for this post. I could
1) Creep around the world and back to bring to you the finest of the fawk...I mean crop.
2) Create guidelines to the art of creepy fawk.
Obviously, I chose the latter. Perhaps I'll blog about other people's fawkward facebooks later when I have more time. For now you'll have to settle with my personal award winning 3 step guideline titled "how to become the creepiest person on fawkbook":
#1- I will be creepier than a creeper.
Being a female on facebook means getting messages from random guys all the time. Being an indian female means getting a plethora of fobby mass messages. There has been one culprit who has been incessantly messaging nearly every indian girl with the SAME message for as long as I can honestly remember. I decided to respond to him. I would tell you I'd keep you posted on what he says... But I highly doubt he'll respond. There is an unwritten rule of which creepers don't like other creepers.
Silly creeper thort he would freak me out. Little did he know.
#2- I will talk to you even though I have never spoken more than 2 sentences to you in real life.
Those 2 sentences were "hi nice to meet you" and "can you pass that cup please?" We all accept a friend request now and then from a person we met through a friend of a friend. You think you could possibly see them again one day so you accept. However, the accepted friend seems to think this is equivalent to the start of a relationship. In most cases, I am the one doing the befriending and subsequent boyfriending.
#3- You're going to be in my profile picture even though I can't remember your last name. This is also probably why you aren't tagged.
Do I admit to doing this? Of course! I want people to think I have a ton of really, really good friends. That way, when I creep around, my innocent prey will think "well..she has friends.. she can't be thaaaaat creepy."
Who is that guy? We'll never know.
Me: "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the creepiest of them all?"
Mirror: "You are, my dear."
Me: "Nice!"
So being the ultimate creeper on the face(book) of the planet, I rejoice when others often detest. Facebook, or simply put fawkbook, is the place to find ample amounts of awkward conversations and pictures. Knowing this, I had 2 choices for this post. I could
1) Creep around the world and back to bring to you the finest of the fawk...I mean crop.
2) Create guidelines to the art of creepy fawk.
Obviously, I chose the latter. Perhaps I'll blog about other people's fawkward facebooks later when I have more time. For now you'll have to settle with my personal award winning 3 step guideline titled "how to become the creepiest person on fawkbook":
#1- I will be creepier than a creeper.
Being a female on facebook means getting messages from random guys all the time. Being an indian female means getting a plethora of fobby mass messages. There has been one culprit who has been incessantly messaging nearly every indian girl with the SAME message for as long as I can honestly remember. I decided to respond to him. I would tell you I'd keep you posted on what he says... But I highly doubt he'll respond. There is an unwritten rule of which creepers don't like other creepers.
Silly creeper thort he would freak me out. Little did he know.
#2- I will talk to you even though I have never spoken more than 2 sentences to you in real life.
Those 2 sentences were "hi nice to meet you" and "can you pass that cup please?" We all accept a friend request now and then from a person we met through a friend of a friend. You think you could possibly see them again one day so you accept. However, the accepted friend seems to think this is equivalent to the start of a relationship. In most cases, I am the one doing the befriending and subsequent boyfriending.
#3- You're going to be in my profile picture even though I can't remember your last name. This is also probably why you aren't tagged.
Do I admit to doing this? Of course! I want people to think I have a ton of really, really good friends. That way, when I creep around, my innocent prey will think "well..she has friends.. she can't be thaaaaat creepy."
Who is that guy? We'll never know.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Awkward Bootycall
It's one of those boring days when you really have nothing to do and nowhere to go. You check your clock which reads 10:38PM and think to yourself "Ah guess i'll just go to sleep because i'm so bored". So, you pop into your PJ's and right when you're about to brush your teeth you hear your phone go off! Desperate for attention, you rush over to discover that it's a text message from that guy/girl you recently met who isn't ugly. The following conversation then occurs via text messaging:
he/she: hey what are you up to?
you: nm i'm just kind of bored. what are you up to?
he/she: same here. wanna watch a movie? or get some coffee?
you: yeah sure that sounds good!
Right about then you realize you've hit an awkward point in time. You both know there is no coffee shop open at this hour and there are no movies playing either. This text messaging has now become the awkward booty call. Anyway, you decide to invite him/her over for a movie and some munchies at your place. Before he/she gets to your pad, you quickly rush over to the bathroom to sexify your hair and put on makeup, but not too much because you don't want to look desperate (even though you really are). Just as you dab on the finishing touches you hear footsteps leading up to your door. This is when the tingles start to come in. You know, those little butterflies that fly around your stomach because you think you might actually like this guy/girl? They, in actuality, are only present because you subconsciously know you're in for a fawkward (fucking+awkward) treat.
After hearing the knock at your door you slowly walk over, take a couple deep breaths, and swing it open. You let him/her in and head to the living room while chatting about the horrible weather and your difficult classes. Then you meet your next obstacle: the couch. This is where things start to get a little bit tricky. You've found yourself in a tough spot because you have to put in the dvd and sit back down. However, the trouble is you're not sure exactly where to sit. The following etiquette should be heeded for the coucher (one who sits first) and the couchee (one who sits second):
Coucher: You must always sit in the middle of the couch. While couchee is plopping in the DVD you also must talk about how excited you are to see the movie to ease couchee and get him/her in a more relaxed mood(even if you're just watching Annie). You and couchee know the underlying meaning of this get together so don't play dumb and huddle against the corner of the couch. If you sit in the middle of the couch it forces couchee to sit right up against you or a couple inches away. Either one is an eventual win/win situation.
Couchee: After you put in the DVD turn around and immediately look at coucher. Smile to put him/her at ease. Then sit beside him/her and begin watching the movie IF coucher is sitting in the middle. If coucher has decided to huddle up against one side of the couch you can kiss your awkward bootycall away. Just sit on the other side of the couch and put the munchies in the middle. It's game over. You're desperate but don't ever show it by sitting next to him/her.
So let's say the rules are followed and now you're sitting next to your lover for the night (LFTN). As the movie progresses and the night dwells on, you will find yourself in a number of different situations depending on your bootycall experience level. If you're a noob you'll find yourself cuddled against your LFTN, which isn't so bad. If you're a bit more experienced you may find yourself lightly kissing your LFTN as the movie comes to a finish. And if you're a bootycall slut, you'll be hooking up with your LFTN right when Annie starts to sing "It's a hard knock life". In any case, the movie will end and the next step in the magical journey of awkward bootycalland occurs when it is time to sleep.
As you both make your way to the bedroom you start to realize that this was all a giant mistake. You're slightly irritated with your LFTN for no reason at all and just want him/her to go home because by this point all you want to do is sprawl on your bed alone. However, you have now reached the point of no return and are committed to this horrible and awkward mistake. As you go to bed your LFTN snuggles right beside you. To your surprise, he/she does nothing more but hold your hand and cuddle all night. Well, that was oddly nice. You doze off and hit the sack only to wake up to find....
....Your LFTN did not leave while you were sleeping. As a matter of fact, when you woke up he/she was looking right into your eyes. Caught off guard, you jerk back a little bit into the wall behind you. Ouch. Now you've found yourself wide awake. He/she laughs a little and then gets up to leave while telling you what a fantastic time he/she had. You don't know what else to do so you agree that it was indeed a good night. Still dazed and confused, you walk your LFTN to the door and just as he/she is about to leave....He/she turns around and kisses you lightly on the lips while looking deep into your eyes. You feel intensely awkward as you realize this awkward bootycall was only in fact a bootycall for you. Unfortunately, LFTN seems to think he/she is now your LFEE (lover for eva eva). Oops. You've just scored yourself an awkward relationship.
he/she: hey what are you up to?
you: nm i'm just kind of bored. what are you up to?
he/she: same here. wanna watch a movie? or get some coffee?
you: yeah sure that sounds good!
Right about then you realize you've hit an awkward point in time. You both know there is no coffee shop open at this hour and there are no movies playing either. This text messaging has now become the awkward booty call. Anyway, you decide to invite him/her over for a movie and some munchies at your place. Before he/she gets to your pad, you quickly rush over to the bathroom to sexify your hair and put on makeup, but not too much because you don't want to look desperate (even though you really are). Just as you dab on the finishing touches you hear footsteps leading up to your door. This is when the tingles start to come in. You know, those little butterflies that fly around your stomach because you think you might actually like this guy/girl? They, in actuality, are only present because you subconsciously know you're in for a fawkward (fucking+awkward) treat.
After hearing the knock at your door you slowly walk over, take a couple deep breaths, and swing it open. You let him/her in and head to the living room while chatting about the horrible weather and your difficult classes. Then you meet your next obstacle: the couch. This is where things start to get a little bit tricky. You've found yourself in a tough spot because you have to put in the dvd and sit back down. However, the trouble is you're not sure exactly where to sit. The following etiquette should be heeded for the coucher (one who sits first) and the couchee (one who sits second):
Coucher: You must always sit in the middle of the couch. While couchee is plopping in the DVD you also must talk about how excited you are to see the movie to ease couchee and get him/her in a more relaxed mood(even if you're just watching Annie). You and couchee know the underlying meaning of this get together so don't play dumb and huddle against the corner of the couch. If you sit in the middle of the couch it forces couchee to sit right up against you or a couple inches away. Either one is an eventual win/win situation.
Couchee: After you put in the DVD turn around and immediately look at coucher. Smile to put him/her at ease. Then sit beside him/her and begin watching the movie IF coucher is sitting in the middle. If coucher has decided to huddle up against one side of the couch you can kiss your awkward bootycall away. Just sit on the other side of the couch and put the munchies in the middle. It's game over. You're desperate but don't ever show it by sitting next to him/her.
So let's say the rules are followed and now you're sitting next to your lover for the night (LFTN). As the movie progresses and the night dwells on, you will find yourself in a number of different situations depending on your bootycall experience level. If you're a noob you'll find yourself cuddled against your LFTN, which isn't so bad. If you're a bit more experienced you may find yourself lightly kissing your LFTN as the movie comes to a finish. And if you're a bootycall slut, you'll be hooking up with your LFTN right when Annie starts to sing "It's a hard knock life". In any case, the movie will end and the next step in the magical journey of awkward bootycalland occurs when it is time to sleep.
As you both make your way to the bedroom you start to realize that this was all a giant mistake. You're slightly irritated with your LFTN for no reason at all and just want him/her to go home because by this point all you want to do is sprawl on your bed alone. However, you have now reached the point of no return and are committed to this horrible and awkward mistake. As you go to bed your LFTN snuggles right beside you. To your surprise, he/she does nothing more but hold your hand and cuddle all night. Well, that was oddly nice. You doze off and hit the sack only to wake up to find....
....Your LFTN did not leave while you were sleeping. As a matter of fact, when you woke up he/she was looking right into your eyes. Caught off guard, you jerk back a little bit into the wall behind you. Ouch. Now you've found yourself wide awake. He/she laughs a little and then gets up to leave while telling you what a fantastic time he/she had. You don't know what else to do so you agree that it was indeed a good night. Still dazed and confused, you walk your LFTN to the door and just as he/she is about to leave....He/she turns around and kisses you lightly on the lips while looking deep into your eyes. You feel intensely awkward as you realize this awkward bootycall was only in fact a bootycall for you. Unfortunately, LFTN seems to think he/she is now your LFEE (lover for eva eva). Oops. You've just scored yourself an awkward relationship.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Awkward Makeover
So it's been a long time since my last post. I really do apologize to all of you that have been anxiously checking my blog on a daily basis. For those of you who have fallen asleep beside your computer waiting for me to post up, I will pay for your damaged laptops because I know your excessive drool has seeped through to your battery. Anyway, I decided to let go of my dreams to make easy money from fake babydaddys and the such and to move forward with my life. I've found that my forte lies in all that is awkward. Which I will now discuss here.
Let's go ahead and cut straight to the chase: The Awkward Wallet.
So you're standing in line outside the club waiting to get in and it's getting a little cold. The line is pretty long and you're pretty bored so you figure this would be a good time to spit some game, duh. To warm up you cuddle up against the guy (or girl, either works) you're hollering at beside you in line. You start to playfight and shove each other around a bit because that's how you holler. However, everyone else around you is slightly annoyed but nobody really says anything. You fail to notice the man in front of you is also starting to get a little fed up because you keep lightly grazing his ass with your hand on accident.
So, things start to heat up now and you and your boo begin to really start shoving each other around because you're in your own little "my boo and me" world. And that's when it happens. He/she pushes you a little bit too hard and you fall into the irked man in front of you. The last thought you have before you realize you're crashing into this random man is "fuck these heels" because obviously this whole mess is all their fault. Anyway, while you're eating shit, you grab on to his pants so you don't completely hit the ground. Your hand instinctively latches on to his back pocket and keeps your drunken self from being completely demolished. Luckily, you did not awkwardly rip his pants off, but in the process of all this chaos, his wallet drops out of his pocket and on to the floor. It was your fault any of this mess happened so obviously you should pick up his wallet for him, right?
You straighten yourself out and carefully bend down to pick up his wallet while muttering something about your stupid heels. As you are about to pick it up your brain tells you to immediately stop because it is not a wallet, but your hand has already been launched towards the item on the floor and picks it up. As you get up you're not really sure whether to hand the man back his condom or not. Your boo immediately starts to inch away from the awkward situation and you notice it starts to get cold again. The man turns around and sees you holding up his goodies and isn't sure whether to grab it from your hands or not. The awkwardness spreads. You semifawkward-smile and motion the condom towards his hands. But naturally, he pretends it's not his (probably because HIS boo looks bewildered). You don't know what to do so you open your purse and quickly stash it inside. That was awkward.
Let's go ahead and cut straight to the chase: The Awkward Wallet.
So you're standing in line outside the club waiting to get in and it's getting a little cold. The line is pretty long and you're pretty bored so you figure this would be a good time to spit some game, duh. To warm up you cuddle up against the guy (or girl, either works) you're hollering at beside you in line. You start to playfight and shove each other around a bit because that's how you holler. However, everyone else around you is slightly annoyed but nobody really says anything. You fail to notice the man in front of you is also starting to get a little fed up because you keep lightly grazing his ass with your hand on accident.
So, things start to heat up now and you and your boo begin to really start shoving each other around because you're in your own little "my boo and me" world. And that's when it happens. He/she pushes you a little bit too hard and you fall into the irked man in front of you. The last thought you have before you realize you're crashing into this random man is "fuck these heels" because obviously this whole mess is all their fault. Anyway, while you're eating shit, you grab on to his pants so you don't completely hit the ground. Your hand instinctively latches on to his back pocket and keeps your drunken self from being completely demolished. Luckily, you did not awkwardly rip his pants off, but in the process of all this chaos, his wallet drops out of his pocket and on to the floor. It was your fault any of this mess happened so obviously you should pick up his wallet for him, right?
You straighten yourself out and carefully bend down to pick up his wallet while muttering something about your stupid heels. As you are about to pick it up your brain tells you to immediately stop because it is not a wallet, but your hand has already been launched towards the item on the floor and picks it up. As you get up you're not really sure whether to hand the man back his condom or not. Your boo immediately starts to inch away from the awkward situation and you notice it starts to get cold again. The man turns around and sees you holding up his goodies and isn't sure whether to grab it from your hands or not. The awkwardness spreads. You semifawkward-smile and motion the condom towards his hands. But naturally, he pretends it's not his (probably because HIS boo looks bewildered). You don't know what to do so you open your purse and quickly stash it inside. That was awkward.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Attempt 1.2
I fear I'm going to have to give up my marriage and pregnancy hopes soon if I don't find a legitimate babbydaddy. I'll keep up the ad for a couple more days and see how responses go. So far this is what I've gotten:
#1
"Subject Title: Re: Want to make some $$$??? (MEN ONLY)
Subject: i'm not sure if this is a joke or not...but it sounds like it could be fun and rewarding. My wife and kids will really enjoy this prank if we can pull it off!"
Why he fails: Why is he looking in the "men for women" section of craigslist? This guy is a real idiot. He almost made my idiotic quote of the day. He also failed to give me a description of himself. All I know is he's married with kids (uhh?). Plus, he looks like he's 70. I should have specified that you must LOOK like you're under 65. No comment on the shades.
#2
" Subject Title: HAHA you're craigslist ad!!
Subject: Thats such a fantastic idea! My name is Perry and I live in HB and am definitily up for this challenge. I'm currently a student at the New York Film Academy and am back at home for a break. I have a film crew and some other friends who are willing to follow us every step of the way should you chose me. We should meet up sometime. Let me know what you think!"
Why he fails: I know what you're all thinking. This guy is PEFECT! PERFECT PERRY! Wrong. you're. thats. definitily. chose. I don't want my babydaddy to be grammatically incompetent. This guy is definitely* not making the cut. I also feel like he's been reading my blog because he offered me a tempting summervid team. Creepy.
#3
"Subject Title: Re: Want to make some $$$??? (MEN ONLY)
Subject: If this is some sort of sick joke count me in. i don't even mind getting 20, as long as you stay on top ;). My name is Bob and I work at a male strip club over in LA. I can do whatever you like as long as I get my fair share."
Why he fails: Anyone with the name Bob fails.
Idiotic Quote of the Day: "i'm not sure if this is a joke or not...but it sounds like it could be fun and rewarding. My wife and kids will really enjoy this prank if we can pull it off!" I changed my mind.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Attempt 1.1
Naturally, I put an ad on craiglist describing my needs:
"Subject Title: Want To Make Some $$$??? (MEN ONLY)
"Subject Title: Want To Make Some $$$??? (MEN ONLY)
Subject Message: I need someone to be my fake lover so we can get fake engaged and have an engagement party. We will also be having a fake baby and will have a baby shower. I'll split any money I get with you 70/30 (me being on top). Please email me back a picture of yourself as well as a description of yourself (include your age please). Nobody over 65. Thanks."
Only after posting this did I realize it sounds like an ad for porn. Me being on top- who says that? I meant me being the 70%. But I kept it up anyways so I could see if anyone would respond.
Idiotic Quote of the Day: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde - like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana - and right now, I'm that icon." - Paris Hilton
Idiotic Quote of the Day: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde - like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana - and right now, I'm that icon." - Paris Hilton
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Attempt 1
So, I decided to make a summervid this year but in order to get started I need funding. And since I'm tired of asking my parents for money I figure it's time I make some for myself. Which is why I'm pretending I'm getting engaged and that I'm having a baby. An engagement party and a baby shower? Can you say CHINGALING?! Of course in the end my husband is going to have to leave me and I'm going to have a miscarriage with the baby. I wonder if anyone will send me pity money then. Anyway, I think things should fly by pretty smoothly with the whole baby thing. Not because I'm actually preggers (duh) but because I have a nice little burrito baby forming. It's the engagement that worries me a little bit. I'm going to have to find someone trustworthy to pretend to be my muse. My husband. My lova.
Idiotic Quote of the Day: "People always ask me how I'm so skinny. They're always like 'how much do you work out?' and I'm like no. Like shopping is my workout." - Paris Hilton
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