Awkward Bootycall

It's one of those boring days when you really have nothing to do and nowhere to go. You check your clock which reads 10:38PM and think to yourself "Ah guess i'll just go to sleep because i'm so bored". So, you pop into your PJ's and right when you're about to brush your teeth you hear your phone go off! Desperate for attention, you rush over to discover that it's a text message from that guy/girl you recently met who isn't ugly. The following conversation then occurs via text messaging:



he/she: hey what are you up to?
you: nm i'm just kind of bored. what are you up to?
he/she: same here. wanna watch a movie? or get some coffee?
you: yeah sure that sounds good!

Right about then you realize you've hit an awkward point in time. You both know there is no coffee shop open at this hour and there are no movies playing either. This text messaging has now become the awkward booty call. Anyway, you decide to invite him/her over for a movie and some munchies at your place. Before he/she gets to your pad, you quickly rush over to the bathroom to sexify your hair and put on makeup, but not too much because you don't want to look desperate (even though you really are). Just as you dab on the finishing touches you hear footsteps leading up to your door. This is when the tingles start to come in. You know, those little butterflies that fly around your stomach because you think you might actually like this guy/girl? They, in actuality, are only present because you subconsciously know you're in for a fawkward (fucking+awkward) treat.



After hearing the knock at your door you slowly walk over, take a couple deep breaths, and swing it open. You let him/her in and head to the living room while chatting about the horrible weather and your difficult classes. Then you meet your next obstacle: the couch. This is where things start to get a little bit tricky. You've found yourself in a tough spot because you have to put in the dvd and sit back down. However, the trouble is you're not sure exactly where to sit. The following etiquette should be heeded for the coucher (one who sits first) and the couchee (one who sits second):

Coucher: You must always sit in the middle of the couch. While couchee is plopping in the DVD you also must talk about how excited you are to see the movie to ease couchee and get him/her in a more relaxed mood(even if you're just watching Annie). You and couchee know the underlying meaning of this get together so don't play dumb and huddle against the corner of the couch. If you sit in the middle of the couch it forces couchee to sit right up against you or a couple inches away. Either one is an eventual win/win situation.



Couchee: After you put in the DVD turn around and immediately look at coucher. Smile to put him/her at ease. Then sit beside him/her and begin watching the movie IF coucher is sitting in the middle. If coucher has decided to huddle up against one side of the couch you can kiss your awkward bootycall away. Just sit on the other side of the couch and put the munchies in the middle. It's game over. You're desperate but don't ever show it by sitting next to him/her.

So let's say the rules are followed and now you're sitting next to your lover for the night (LFTN). As the movie progresses and the night dwells on, you will find yourself in a number of different situations depending on your bootycall experience level. If you're a noob you'll find yourself cuddled against your LFTN, which isn't so bad. If you're a bit more experienced you may find yourself lightly kissing your LFTN as the movie comes to a finish. And if you're a bootycall slut, you'll be hooking up with your LFTN right when Annie starts to sing "It's a hard knock life". In any case, the movie will end and the next step in the magical journey of awkward bootycalland occurs when it is time to sleep.

As you both make your way to the bedroom you start to realize that this was all a giant mistake. You're slightly irritated with your LFTN for no reason at all and just want him/her to go home because by this point all you want to do is sprawl on your bed alone. However, you have now reached the point of no return and are committed to this horrible and awkward mistake. As you go to bed your LFTN snuggles right beside you. To your surprise, he/she does nothing more but hold your hand and cuddle all night. Well, that was oddly nice. You doze off and hit the sack only to wake up to find....

....Your LFTN did not leave while you were sleeping. As a matter of fact, when you woke up he/she was looking right into your eyes. Caught off guard, you jerk back a little bit into the wall behind you. Ouch. Now you've found yourself wide awake. He/she laughs a little and then gets up to leave while telling you what a fantastic time he/she had. You don't know what else to do so you agree that it was indeed a good night. Still dazed and confused, you walk your LFTN to the door and just as he/she is about to leave....He/she turns around and kisses you lightly on the lips while looking deep into your eyes. You feel intensely awkward as you realize this awkward bootycall was only in fact a bootycall for you. Unfortunately, LFTN seems to think he/she is now your LFEE (lover for eva eva). Oops. You've just scored yourself an awkward relationship.

The Awkward Makeover

So it's been a long time since my last post. I really do apologize to all of you that have been anxiously checking my blog on a daily basis. For those of you who have fallen asleep beside your computer waiting for me to post up, I will pay for your damaged laptops because I know your excessive drool has seeped through to your battery. Anyway, I decided to let go of my dreams to make easy money from fake babydaddys and the such and to move forward with my life. I've found that my forte lies in all that is awkward. Which I will now discuss here.

Let's go ahead and cut straight to the chase: The Awkward Wallet.

So you're standing in line outside the club waiting to get in and it's getting a little cold. The line is pretty long and you're pretty bored so you figure this would be a good time to spit some game, duh. To warm up you cuddle up against the guy (or girl, either works) you're hollering at beside you in line. You start to playfight and shove each other around a bit because that's how you holler. However, everyone else around you is slightly annoyed but nobody really says anything. You fail to notice the man in front of you is also starting to get a little fed up because you keep lightly grazing his ass with your hand on accident.



So, things start to heat up now and you and your boo begin to really start shoving each other around because you're in your own little "my boo and me" world. And that's when it happens. He/she pushes you a little bit too hard and you fall into the irked man in front of you. The last thought you have before you realize you're crashing into this random man is "fuck these heels" because obviously this whole mess is all their fault. Anyway, while you're eating shit, you grab on to his pants so you don't completely hit the ground. Your hand instinctively latches on to his back pocket and keeps your drunken self from being completely demolished. Luckily, you did not awkwardly rip his pants off, but in the process of all this chaos, his wallet drops out of his pocket and on to the floor. It was your fault any of this mess happened so obviously you should pick up his wallet for him, right?



You straighten yourself out and carefully bend down to pick up his wallet while muttering something about your stupid heels. As you are about to pick it up your brain tells you to immediately stop because it is not a wallet, but your hand has already been launched towards the item on the floor and picks it up. As you get up you're not really sure whether to hand the man back his condom or not. Your boo immediately starts to inch away from the awkward situation and you notice it starts to get cold again. The man turns around and sees you holding up his goodies and isn't sure whether to grab it from your hands or not. The awkwardness spreads. You semifawkward-smile and motion the condom towards his hands. But naturally, he pretends it's not his (probably because HIS boo looks bewildered). You don't know what to do so you open your purse and quickly stash it inside. That was awkward.